Tuesday, January 8, 2008

The Re-BOURNE Ultimatum


OK- this is for your guys out there that keep asking for a masculine resolution giude to 2008.
Here it is- The Re-BOURNE Ultimatum
1. Learn a Martial Art
That's right- fulfill your childhood dream and get schooled in the art of ninja-or karate- kung fu- whatever. It doesn't matter as long as you get in shape and learn to defend yourself. You never know when the CIA will hunt you down like a dog. Be prepared.
2. Learn a New Language
May I suggest Spanish- but dude it's your life so you pick. This will help dramtically when you are forced to go incognito in a foreign country. Will also help when you get a "job" as part of your disguise.
3. Be Self-Sufficient
Come on man, stop whining. I can barely hear myself think with your constant Blah Blah Blah. Do you think Jason Bourne has time to figure out why the dude in the elevator didn't speak to him? Get a life! JB was too busy trying to stay alive. Remember- God helps those who help themselves. Oh yeah- it is OK to accept help from the lady who was trying to kill you 5 minutes earlier-But only if she's hot.
4. Have Secrets
Like- it's not necessary to let everyone know the deep dark secret foods that give you odious gas or make your inerds wiggly. Or the story about how you puked until you busted a vein in your eye. These little things keep you mysterious. Please- less IS more.
5. Be a Hero
Volunteer somewhere and help someone. Any one- feed the hungry, shelter the homeless - or just clean out your closets and donate your extra crap to Goodwill. It's all good. Besides- you have to make amends for your past( remember #4? This adds to your sexy mystery quality!).
6. Your Choice
This is like a wild card- make it what you want. Some suggestions- take flying lessons, skydive, white water rafting, horseback riding, rock climbing, camping, hunting, fishing, brewing, kayaking, spelunkering, diving, skiing, snowboarding, sharp shooting, archery or any thing else-
Oh yeah- and practice your long jump. That hopping from rooftop to rooftop looks kinda hard.

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